Let me just start off by saying that this episode recap is dedicated to J, who called me in the middle of Gossip Girl to ask me to explain what was happening on One Tree Hill, then asked me to explain what happened so far on Gossip Girl, then said she'd just read it here anyway and that it better be good and filled with detail. So here it is:

When we left off, Blair's life was ruined by Gossip Girl, who revealed to the whole school that B had slept with Chuck and Nate, making her a total H (as in ho). Blair wanted to run away, but Serena stopped her and said they'd fight the rumors together. Meanwhile, Jenny used B's dethroning as a way to improve her social status at school.

Also, Chuck's dad and Serena's mom are getting hitched but nobody cares about the parents.

So last night. Spring break is over, and Serena convinces Blair to go back to school and face everyone who's been gossiping about her behind her back. Blair gives in, they go, and Jenny and her bratty clan of rich teen-bots throw yogurt in B's hair. Gross. Nate and Chuck are still avoiding each other and Blair, but Serena and Dan are still totally making out. They're boring.

Chuck says weird and creepy things to his future sister-by-marriage and future stepmom, which leads Serena to believe he's the culprit behind outlandish gifts she's been receiving from an anonymous sender (porn, handcuffs, champagne, coke--it was like seeing inside an Olsen's Gucci purse!) God knows why, but Serena gets all mad about getting these awesome packages and whines to her mommy about it, who in turn tells Chuck's dad, who in turn tells Chuck to move the eff out and stop ruining everyone's lives with his pervy antics.

Little J is trying to hard to fit in with the moneyed but brainless crowd. She sells her sewing machine, a lamp, and some jewelery to scrounge up enough cash for expensive dinners at Butter (overrated) and hanging out at Socialista (ughhhh). When it's time for her to produce a flashy dress for her own birthday party, J ends up swiping a one-of-a-kind Valentino from one of her faux friend's mom's closet and sells it to the second-hand store lady. But when the friend is all bummed about the missing dress and says the police are looking for it, J freaks, tries to get the dress back, then ends up stealing it (for a second time) from the vintage store.

Meanwhile, Blair has taken the day off from school to fulfill her plans in tearing down Jenny from her new popular perch ('cause she blames Jenny for Nate finding out about her sleeping with Chuck, because Jenny told Nate about her sleeping with Chuck). So B visits J's dad Rufus in BK, and basically tells him to throw her a surprise party for her birthday and invite all her cool new friends. Obviously, this will embarrass J 'cause her dad basically puts together a party for a 12-year-old with a picture cake and streamers. Her new friends think it's totally lame, but the real icing on the cake (ha!) comes when Little J walks into the surprise wearing the dress she just swiped for the second time, and her friend who's mom she originally stole it from sees her in it.

Blair, feeling like she completed her mission, invites her old clan to dinner at Butter and they oblige, kicking Jenny back to the curb from whence she came, but watch out now. Little J called her new BFF Nate and asked him to do her a favor. They show up together at Butter, Jenny introduces Nate to one of the rich-bots (who's had a crush on N for like totally ohmagah forever), and suddenly Jenny's in the in-crowd again. Blair is pissed.

Serena receives one last note from her secret stalker, and it's signed "G," so she finally realizes who the mystery person is, and it's not Chuck. She goes to apologize to Chuck for making everyone including his dad hate him, and he's all understanding about it because apparently this "G" person is one scary motherf*cker. "G" will be played by Michelle Trachtenberg, as we learned from previews for next week. And all those paparazzi photos of her on set.