Character one: Casey Carlyle (Michelle Trachtenberg), a high school physics geek hopeful for Harvard but happiest when skating on her back-yard pond. Casey sports a ponytail and dresses dowdy, but might there be a beauty behind those books?

Character two: Joan Carlyle (Joan Cusack), Casey's single mom and a professor of feminine lit. Joan has fantasized about sending her daughter to Harvard since conception and considers leotards and makeup an affront to women everywhere. She still hates homecoming queens.

Character three: Gen Harwood (Hayden Panettiere), the blond, popular girl at Casey's high school who also happens to be the daughter of a former ice queen. More interested in double shots than double axels, party girl Gen is obligated to follow in her dear mom's skatesteps, no matter how thick her legs.

Character four: Tina Harwood (Kim Cattrall), single mom No. 2. Suspended after intentionally colliding with a competitor at the Sarajevo Olympics, Tonya, I mean, Tina has made Gen's skating success her cause celebre. Tina owns an ice rink, where she trains the next generation of Michelle Kwans and was, most likely, her high school's homecoming queen.

Now, your plot options:

Plot A: Casey goes off to Harvard but is promptly called home when Jean gets wind of Larry Summers' remarks at the National Bureau of Economic Research conference. Without an education, Casey turns to the bottle and ends up working at Tina Harwood's skating rink, selling concessions, brushing Gen's hair and mumbling about her innate aptitude alongside Teddy, who drives the Zamboni.

Plot B: Joan, realizing that men are repelled by aggressive feminism, and Tina, realizing that men are repelled by mangled skaters' feet, decide to marry. Since gay marriage isn't exactly legal in, umm, wherever this movie takes place, Gen gets ordained on-line and performs the commitment ceremony. Uncomfortable in her bridesmaid dress, Casey changes into pleated khakis and sensible shoes at the reception. Teddy drives the happy couple off into the sunset on the Zamboni.

Plot C: When Teddy is maimed in a freak Zamboni accident, Tina, unable to abide an unattractive child, gives him up for adoption to Joan, who while nursing him back to health, realizes that she really does love men. At this point, things get creepy and Casey convinces Gen to convince Tina to take Teddy back. Their tearful reunion is captured on ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Ice Rink Edition," on which Ty Pennington builds the Harwoods a handicapped-accessible Zamboni. Joan starts dating the father from "Say Anything," and Teddy rides again.

Plot D: Casey recognizes that her passion is ice skating, not Harvard, and sneaks behind her disapproving mom's back to practice with Tina, who, though impressed with Casey's raw talent, is most invested in getting Gen to the nationals and will sabotage whoever gets in the way. In soothing subplots, Gen hates skating and is dying on the inside, and Casey removes the rubber band attached to her hair, which attracts Teddy -- who, for a grand romantic gesture, drives the Zamboni to Casey's pond. In the end of this reassuring crowd pleaser, Joan may or may not show up at Casey's big skating competition and may or may not learn to respect a former homecoming queen.

Now, don't jump to any conclusions. Think. And remember: Disney owns ABC.